THE FOLLOWING STORIES WERE PUBLISHED IN 1945 DURING WW2 T. Thompson in his latest collection of short stories keeps up his form. If his rustics talk like real rustics they manage, as real rustics always do, to discuss the profundities with wisdom and much wit. Since the war began, where there have been Lancashire soldiers or sailors there has been a Thompson book.
They have been in keen demand for readings on board ship or in camp and the author has received many letters from the Forces which have gladdened his heart. Also, they have been most popular with American soldiers stationed in the North. Quite rightly too as one of Thompson's characters is a spiritual descendant of the immortal "Mr. Dooley." No writer has ever popularised the Lancashire dialect as far beyond the confines of the Palatine as Thompson, and that is because he uses it with genius
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
I.
SPRING CLEANING
TOMMY GREENHALGH walked moodily into the bar of the"Hark to the Dandler." His pal Jimmy Dearden was just "taking the top off" his drink as Tommy arrived. "How do Jimmy," said Tommy, Jimmy wiped the froth from his exuberant moustache and said, "How do Tommy. Tha looks a bit powfagged. Owt up?"
"I don't know as there is," said Tommy. "Ah've come out o' th' road."
"Out o' th' road o' what?" said Jimmy
"Out o' th' road o' battle, murder an' sudden death," said Tommy vindictively. "Ah've come out o' th' road of a earthquake."
"Well," said Jimmy, "Tha's reached th' harbour o' refuge."
"For th' time being," said Tommy. "Just for th' time being."
"Ha' one wi' me?" said Jimmy.
"Tha's took th' words out o' me mouth," said Tommy.
"We'll not fall out about it," said Jimmy " We'll pay for our own."
"Ah don't like nippin' generous feelin' in th' bud," said Tommy. "Ah'll have a pint."
"Two pints, Jonty," said Jimmy with a sigh.
"He looks as he could do wi' one," said Jonty.
"Ah've come outo' road o' Spring clennin', said Tommy. ""Does thy missus ever Spring cl'en?"
"Ah should think hoo does," said Jimmy. "Hoo does it all th' year round."
"Ah don't know how tha sticks it," said Tommy.
"Easy," said Jimmy. "Ah leaves her to it. Ah comes comes here an meditates."
"Tha' can't run a pub on meditation," said Jonty.
"Ah were forgettin," said Jimmy, throwing his money on the bar.
"Tha'd forget thi' head if it were loose," said Jonty.
"Tha' can't sit down anywheer," said Tommy. "An' if tha' ston's up on a rug tha might get it yanked fro under thee,"
"These things are only sent to try us," said Jonty.
"Thee stick to sellin' ale," said Tommy. "An' don't talk about things as tha knows nowt about,"
"Don't be so touchy," said Jonty, "A bit o' fun's nobbut a bit o' fun."
"It's a bit above a bit o' fun for thee, said Jimmy. "If it weren't for Spring clennin' half o' th' pubkeepers'd be in th' warkhouse."
"A house has to be cleaned," expostulated Jonty. "Yo'd carry on if it were dirty."
"Blimey!" said Tommy. "He's on t'other side."
"Ta' no notice on him, said Jimmy "He's an owd woman himsel'."
"Tha doesn't knowwhat th' owd woman's like when hoo starts," said Tommy. "Ah've known her to mop th' floor reight out to the tram lines. It goes to her head like..."
"Ale," suggested Jonty. "
"Tommy," said Jimmy. "Fan me wi' that theer fire screen."
"Did he say ale?" said Tommy.
"Aye, said Jimmy.
"Well, Ah don't know," said Tommy.
"It's welly too thin to answer to th' pump," said Jimmy.
"Tha keeps suppin' it," said Jonty.
" 'abit," said Jimmy. "Ah don't like to hurt its feelings. Not when its out on its feet."
"Ah'll bet yo're wives is glad to be shut of yo," said Jonty.
"There were that big a fog on when I left ," said Tommy,"as A'hll bet hoo doesn't know Ah've gone."
"There'd be some w'ary houses if chaps had to look after'em," said Jonty.
"Ark at him," said Jimmy. "He'll be buyin' lipstick next."
"If chaps had to look after'em," said Tommy, "there'd be no Spring clennin'. It's against the laws o' nature. Why... th' saps nobbut started risin' ."
"That's it," said Jonty. "It's what they call one o' them rites o' Spring. If they were druids they'd be muckin' up a grove or summat."
"Well that'd be o' reet," said Tommy. "There'd be room to swing a mop round bowt hittin' somebody at th' back o' th' head theer."
"Ah can dodge that soart o' thing," said Jimmy. " Ah used to do a bit o' boxin'. What gets me is soft soap. Ju-jitsu's just ping-pong to soft soap . Tha gets sich a 'ell of a twist when tha'rt downed wi' soft soap. An all they say is tha should look wheer tha'rt gooin'. Ah've a twenty year owd knob at th' back o' me head as is due to soft soap, It's treacherous."
"Tha'rt reet," said Tommy. "Tha'rt reet. I slipped once an' when Ah geet up me britches were back to front. Missus said Ah put 'em on that road so as Ah wouldn't know whether Ah were gooin' or comin' back. That's all th' consolation tha gets."
"Soft soap," said Jimmy. If Ah were in Italy Ah wouldn't mine th' front. Ah'd soft soap it. We'd soon ha' Jerry on his backside."
"Ah never thowt about that," said Tommy.
"They send pioneers to clear th' road," sais Jimmy. "If they nobbut send a mob o' Lancashire women wi' their mops an' buckets they'd show 'em how to mop up th' remnants . Tha wouldn't be able to see a Jerry for lather."
"Ah don't think we owt to be vindictive," said Tommy.
"They'n axed for it an' we haven't," said Jimmy.
"Ah think Ah'll be gooin' whoam." said Tommy, Visibility should ha' improved by now."
"Have another afore tha goes," said Jimmy. "Hoo'll start again as soon as hoo sees thee."
"Ah knows." said Tommy. "But Ah'll ha' to face it some time."
"Well, if tha'rt determined," said Jimmy. "But don't blame me if tha gets crippled."
"Have one on th' house," said Jonty.
"Get thee behind me Satan, said Tommy, "If Ah don't get th' George Cross Ah'll get th owd woman roarin' mad. Another week should see her panned out,"
"Never," said Jimmy " They get their second wind."
II
THE TRUMPETER
ONE sunny morning Joe Slater was flicking some cigarette dust from his highly polished clogs. He took great pride in his clogs and never reckoned to turn out until he could see his face in them. It was a face worth seeing- round and shining like a full moon. A nose definitely pug, and a mouth permanently pursed as though trying to say "prune." Joe was the highly esteemed cornet player of the Beesham Temperance Silver Prize Band.
The radiant perfection of the polish moved him to do what was technically known in Beesham as a "double shuffle." Having executed this dancing movement, he was going more soberly on his way when he heard something which highly offended his sense of what was fit and proper on so bright a morning-due, he slowly realized to an extremely flat note being expelled with difficulty from a battered cornet by an even more battered individual moving slowly along the street. Joe stood it as long as he could then walked across to the player, who held out his hat in expectation.
"If Ah couldn't," said Joe "Ah'd eat thi trumpet."
"It's o' reet thi' talkin', said the player, "but wheer's thi credentials?"
"If its o' the same to thee," said Joe proudly, "Ah'm best bloomin' blower in th' Beesham Brass Band." "Hasta ever tried buskin'?" said the player.
"Ah don't know as Ah have," said Joe.
"If tha hasn't," said the player "tha knows nowt."
"Ah know that mich," said Joe, "as Ah've never made cornet-playin' an offensive trade.Tha'rt a public nuisance."
"If tha thinks tha con do any better." said the player, "thee have a do."
"Give us thi trumpet," said Joe. "Ah'll play thee off th' street."
"O' reet," said the player. "but tak' care of it."
"Tak' care of it" said Joe scornfully. "Ah've sin rag chaps wi' better trumpets."
"Tha'rt not talkin' to a rag chap, said the player with dignity. "Tha'rt talkin' to a hartist."
"Huh!" said Joe, as he shook the inverted instrument "What will tha have?"
"Tha does weel to ax that," said the player "knowing they dunnot oppen for another hour."
"Ah meant th' tune, said Joe.
"Ah'll leave it to thee, " said the player, "it'll tackle owt."
So Joe roused the street with a brilliant rendering of Il Bacio. "Na then," he said when he finished, "pick th' bones out o' that."
"Tha's straightened th' trumpet a bit," admitted the player. "But has anybody chucked thee a copper?"
"Ah worn't playin' for money," said Joe. "Ah did it for th' love o' th' thing."
"Tha connot live on love," said the player. "Ah'm a pro, It's me livin'."
"No wonder tha'rt as far through as a railway ticket." said Joe."Tha couldn't play owt like it."
"Who couldn't?" said the player.
"Tha couldn't," said Joe.
"Who towd thee ah couldn't?" said the player.
"It stonds to sense," said Joe."if tha could play proper tha wouldn't be mekkin' that danged row."
"Ah'll tell thee what ah'll do," said the player,"Ah'll play thee any tune tha likes for a bob."
"Done," said Joe, " 'Tak' a pair o' sparklin' eyes.' "
"Reet," said the player. "Wipe th' mouthpiece."
"Ah'll wipe thy mouthpiece," said Joe indignantly.
"It's nobbut hygiene," said the player. "A pro has to be careful."
The player placed his hat on the floor, took the cornet with a flourish, and proceeded to make Joe's playing seem like that of a copy lad.
"Na then," he said when he had finished. "Put thi bob in me hat."
"An tha's earned it," said Joe ungrudgingly "Why didn't tha say as tha could play like that"
"Tha never axed me," said the player.
"It's beyond me," said Joe. "Tha con play like that an' tha goes on makkin' a noise as tastes like alum in thi mouth."
"Ah axed thee afore," said the player. "Han' we getten any brass wi thi good playin'? "
"Not a sausage," said Joe.
"There's no money in good playin'," said the player. "Thee ax th' Halle' lot."
"There's no money in bad playin' either," said Joe lamely "Is there?"
"There's brass in codology," said the player. "Tha has to get sympathy."
"Tha didn't get mine," said Joe.
"Ah worn't playin' for thee," said the player. "Ah have me own public. Sithee...we'll go up this narrer street an' Ah'll show thee. Thee stop on th' flags."
He went into the middle of the street and blew 'Home Sweet Home' as if though it was the first time he had heard it. Joe covered his ears with his hands and watched the hat fill with coppers. "What did Ah tell thee," said the player as he filled his pockets. "Codology!" Tha con keep thi art for art's sake. What about slippin' in for a quick un?"
"Ah could do wi one," said Joe. "Ah'm stunned."
'
III.
BREAK OF DAY
"DAYS are filling out quite nicely," said Joe Fawcett as he pulled back the curtain. "In another week things'll be weel away."
"What things?" said Sarah, his wife.
"Why," said Joe, "trees'll be showin' green, an' me bronchitis'll ha' shifted...Ah hope."
"Ah hope so too," said Sarah, "tha kept me wakken th' biggest part o' th' neet."
"Aye, admitted Joe, "it kept ticklin' a long time."
"Just poke th' fire a bit," said Sarah, "it's a bit lazy this mornin' for some reason or other."
"Ah expect it's like us," said Joe, "it's feelin' th' winter."
"There's one thing about it," said Sarah, "this house soon gets warm. It's none like th' owd cottage - full o' draughts."
"Ah didn't like shiftin'," said Joe, "it wor like bein' poo'ed up by th' roots."
"Ah didn't like it mesel' if it comes to that," said Sarah, "but it's very handy to have hot watter comin' out o' th' tap, an able to have a bath bowt havin' to put th' pon on."
"Aye," said Joe "there's summat to be said for bein' civilized until th' pipes are frozzen up. it's a funny thing... the more civilized tha art the bigger the mess tha gets in when summat goes wrong."
Tha can't have it every way," said Sarah. "Would tha like a egg wi' thi' bacon?"
"By Gow, aye," said Joe.
"So would Ah," said Sarah with a chuckle, "but we'n getten none."
"Tha'rt bein' fawse this mornin'," said Joe. "Hearken to that cock o' Hardman's crowin' like a champion. It's rubbin' it in, Ah reckon."
"It's tellin' th' hens they'll ha' to work double shifts," said Sarah. "like munition workers."
"It's th' best alarm clock round here," said Joe.
"Tha doesn't need any alarm clock," said Sarah. "Thi concience gets thee up soon every mornin', "
"When Ah wor a lad," said Joe, "we didn't work wi' th' clock. We worked wi' dayleet. Early to bed an' early to rise."
"Ah've heard it," said Sarah. "Makes a mon healthy, wealthy, an' wise. It's kept thee healthy, any road."
"Tha'rt wealthy if tha's a bed to sleep in an' summat to eat," said Joe. "An Ah wor wise when Ah wed thee."
"Sit thee down afore thi breakfast gets cowd," said Sarah.
"Ah thowt that'd ha' put a bit more bacon on me plate," said Joe.
Well tha knows what thowt did," said Sarah. "We han to make it spin out for th' week."
"Ah wor only plagin' thee," said Joe "Ah used to get a plate o' porrich when Ah wor a chilt, an' if Ah didn't finish it at breakfast it wor theer starin' me in th' face at dinner time, an' if Ah turned me nose at it then it wor waitin' for me at taytime."
"No wonder Ah can't get thee to tackle it now," said Sarah
"No fear," said Joe "Ah'd that mich porrich then it fair set inside me. "Ah can taste it yet."
"It didn't kill thee," said Sarah.
"Nah," said Joe "but it spiled my life."
"Get away," said Sarah, "Ah like a mess o' porrich now an' then."
"Ah could ha' managed it mesel' now an' then," said Joe, "but it wor every time tha sat down at table, unless a pig deed."
"Tha doesn't look too bad off it for turned eighty," said Sarah.
"Ah reckon they'll be comin' up wi' th' childer," said Joe.
"Aye," said Sarah, "It's grand to see 'em come an' it's nice to see 'em goo."
"Aye," said Joe "They get a bit too mich for us now, owd lass."
"Ah wants to be playin' wi' 'em ," said Sarah.
"Me too," said Joe, "but Ah find Ah'm none as young as Ah wor."
"Our Sam looks as if he could eat 'em," said Sarah.
"He's terr'ble fond on 'em for sure," said Joe,
"Can tha do wi' th' leet out?" said Sarah "we han to save electricity."
"Dunnot say tha wor brunnin' it for me," said Joe. "Tha'rt best bowt leet when tha has to eat what we're gettin' now."
"Sithee, Joe," said Sarah. "Th' snow's welly gone off th' hills o'er Ellerback Farm yon."
"Aye," said Joe, "Ah'll soon ha' to be turnin' th' bit o' garden o'er... Ah wor thinkin' Sarah, Ah might put a apple tree or two on th' further side. They'd eat nowt, an they'd come in some time."
"When tha's turned eighty," said Sarah, "tha doesn't want to reckon on gatherin' owt slower growin' nor mustard an' cress."
"Hoity - toity! " said Joe. "Th' day doesn't end wi' us."
Oh well," said Sarah. "If tha looks at it that road, get thi apple trees stuck in."
"Owd Jim Sagar allus puts a dead cat under his apple trees," said Joe.
"Ah couldn't touch 'em if Ah knew that." said Sarah.
"Eh," said Joe. "Tha can put me under a apple tree when Ah goo."
"Ah will," said Sarah, with a smile. "Ah like 'em a bit tart."
"By gum, lass, " said Joe, "th' owd haymaker's beginnin' to shine...it looks like bein' a nice day."
"If Ah thowt it'd last," said Sarah, "ah'd wesh a blanket."
"Ah wish Ah hadn't spokken," said Joe.
"When dosta think it'll be o'er? " said Sarah.
"When will what be o'er?" said Joe.
"Th' war," said Sarah.
"Oh that! " said Joe, "Hasta nowt better nor that to mither thi brains about? Get thi blanket down."
IV.
FIRE GUARDS
"IT'S comin' to summat," said Reuben Howarth, sipping meditatively at his beer. "It's comin' to summat when we owd uns has to turn out."
"Tha'rt not grousin' arta? " said Nathan Cropper. "It's a good excuse for gettin' out a bit."
"Nah," said Reuben, "Ah just mean it's comin' to summat. Ah'm fain to be doin' me bit."
"It's a poor do if we connot look after our own," said Ralph Wrigley. " We aren't getten mich in our house, but we value what we han getten."
"It's th'childerAh'm mithered about th' most," said Reuben. "It's comin' to summat when childer is browt in."
"Aye," said Humphrey Barton "Property doesn't matter mich. Our house is welly droppin' down as it is.It'll not tak' mich of a bomb to knock it down."
"Is there owt in th' kitty?" said Nathan. "We'n supped up."
"Just enough for another round," said Humphrey, "Same again."
"It's gettin' folks together, said the landlord.
"That's reet," said Ralph. "Ah work wi' th' parson."
"He's th' zone leader isn't he?" said the landlord.
"Aye," said Ralph. "He's none so bad. Talks to me as if I were one of his customers."
"Well," said the landlord, "if it comes to a do they connot say we're short o' watter in th' village."
"Ah wor just thinkin' that," said Reuben, gazind pointedly in his pot.
"None o' thi sauce," said the landlord. "Ah wor meanin' static watter."
